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Up pops Harry with his “Come on guys” act, who’s taken it upon himself to not only call out the joke for its crass anachronisms, but also to shit on Tim, the whole group and the patriarchy as a whole. Like the disembodied head of Ray Winstone, George seems determined to ruin your Saturday afternoons. He’ll stir up shit that isn’t his to stir, like the time Will fucked Tom’s ex, then dance gleefully in the tattered remnants of their friendship.

While you’re desperately hoping your hometown team won’t come undone against Chester, he’s screenshotting his acca and asking every ten minutes if people think he should cash out now. If I’m being totally honest, I fucking hate Sam and I want to kill him with a shovel.

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It’s not because when Andrew says something like “Good morning, how’s everyone doing” on the EUROS chat, seven people immediately call him a cunt.

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You’ve all ignored it and he’s feeling a bit shit because he knows the line has been crossed. I bet the other guys don’t know that me and Jonny have our own separate chat where the convo’s just as strong. “Boys look at the tits on this one.” Dean’s deeply misogynistic views generally float under the radar. But after you’ve heard him vividly, and emotively, describe the perforations of the anus of the two out of 10 he “slewed” last night. Dean’s mum hurt him when he was younger, so you have to put up with his shit for the rest of eternity. I can change Leo, we’d all change to have you back. Seb changed his name on Whats App to Sebastian, his profile picture is just a copy of Robert Musil’s groundbreaking avant garde masterpiece The Man Without Qualities and yesterday, during a discussion about double penetration, he managed to quote both Chomsky and Foucault. If the Whats App group was a stew, then Josh would be the guy grinning and holding the ladle.

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It’s not the way he’s comprehensively bodybagged every time he tries to act in a way that’s different from the way you remember him acting at school.

It’s the subtle and constant bodying of every message, every meme, every video, every shit song he shares on the chat that makes him the squad’s punching bag.

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